Welcome students, parents, and various affluent members of the community!


Campus News:

  1. Plans for Helipad Unveiled

  1. The School Development Committee (SDC) led by Principal Pécan presented plans for the construction of a state of the art helipad. The school plans to break ground at the beginning of next month. In order to make room, the teachers' lounge has been scheduled for demolition. "It's a win, win situation if you think about it. That place was just encouraging the faculty to take a break. I shut the AC off in that place and they would still eat lunch in there," said Pécan.

  1. The SDC began meeting earlier this year after an increase of complaints concerning the current school parking lot. "You'd think that the guys that painted the parking spots out there had never heard of an extended cab H2 with wing doors," expressed a flabbergasted Megan B. Illons. The sophomore continued, "The last thing I need is those valets stealing from me and denting my ride."

  1. The new helipad's efficiency is of the most anticipated luxuries. "It was so gay before," vented junior Carlton Stridewell. "I had to take my dad's helicopter two miles the opposite direction, away from school, and have my chauffeur pick me up from there and drive me in. Now I'll be able to sleep in an extra ten minutes. Life's good."

  1. The committee plans to meet next week to create a helicopter duty schedule for teachers.

Teacher Spotlight:

Springwood Lakes teachers are known for going above and beyond the call of duty. However, Mr. Hobo Teacher brings new meaning to the word "dedication." In his first year, he has already gained notoriety for being the first one there in the morning and the last one to leave at night.

SLHS Junior Assistant Custodian Carl Baxter comments, "It seems like I'm always kicking that guy out of here. Now that I think about it, he could probably help me because I think someone has been breaking in at night."

Hobo Teacher's long hours are not the only thing that has caught the eye of the administration. His innovative teaching techniques have Principal Pécan's attention as well. "I was walking down the hall when I came across the most putrid smell coming from HT's classroom. He was passing out used coffee grounds, empty milk cartons, and egg shells of all things!" He continued, "I was horrified until he explained that he was rewarding students with gifts for correct answers. Though disgusting, I do appreciate that he isn't using any of the school's budget for these gifts. It's not like he could because I've earmarked it all for installing televisions in students' lockers."

Pécan also feels that Hobo Teacher's efforts spill over into extracurricular activities.

"Now the garbage gifts make sense," said Pécan. "I pulled up to school one morning and I thought I saw a raccoon going through the garbage, but it was HT. He told me that he was starting a recycling club. He seemed nervous, probably because he hadn't filled out the proper paperwork. Anyway, he must have gotten the gifts from there. Technically I guess that stuff belongs to the school. Come to think of it, I better dock his pay."

Still, Hobo Teacher does find time for himself. When away from school, he told this reporter, he actively pursues can collecting.

--Chadwick Penniworth


Cafeteria Menu:

  1. Mondays: 4-Ounce Serving of Tsar Imperial Beluga Caviar
    (Considered the finest food delicacy ever to have been discovered, the Beluga Roe is the largest of the sturgeon family. Its color ranges from a slate to dark gray and its grains have a mild buttery flavor.)

    Tuesdays: Kobe Beef Burger
    ("The world's most decadent burger." A 20oz burger fashioned from ultra-tender Kobe beef, imported from Japan. The cattle are raised on beer and massaged daily to make the meat soft and succulent.)

    Wednesdays: Pâté de Foie Gras
    (A rich pâté made from the livers of geese that are fattened specifically for this purpose. The texture is smooth as silk and the taste is very rich. If requested 24 hours in advance, truffles may be added to the pâté.)

    Thursdays: Puffer Fish Risotto with Shaved White Truffle
    (An extreme delicacy. The puffer fish meat is incredibly delicate and fine-grained, and has a very strong flavor. Eat in peace. A licensed fugu staff chef prepares the meal.)

    Fridays: Sloppy Joe
    (Some foods are memory triggers, meals that send you back to long-forgotten moments in your life. The Sloppy Joe sandwich takes you to another world. Once a week, it feels good to slum it. See how the other half lives. Don't forget your napkins.)

Next Month’s Edition:

  1. $ Gold Cafeteria Utensils Or Platinum? You Decide.

  2. $ Down With Computer Classes! Up With Texting!

  3. $ 10 Signs That Your Teacher Hates You

  4. $ The Equestrian Club-Horses Are People Too.

  5. $ Teacher Spotlight: TBA


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Teachers can't afford much, but they can afford to laugh.